Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
                   Beaver Valley, Colorado

December 14, 1997

   
Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a thoroughly delightful gift.  I couldn’t have been more surprised.

 With deepest love and devotion,

                    Agnes

  

                Miss Agnes McHolstein
                69 Cash Avenue
                Beaver Valley, Colorado

                December 15, 1997

 

Dearest John:

 Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine two turtle doves.
I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just adorable.

                         All my love,

         Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
  
                    Beaver Avenue, Colorado

                       December 16, 1997

 

Dearest John:

 Oh!  Aren’t you the extravagant one.  Now I really must protest.  I don’t deserve
such generosity, three French hens.  They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve
been too kind.

                     Love,

                             Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
                   Beaver Valley, Colorado

                   December 17. 1997

 

Dear John:

 Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now really, they are beautiful but don’t
you think enough is enough.  You’re being too romantic.

             Affectionately,

                         Agnes

 

                   Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
                   Beaver Valley, Colorado

                       December 18, 1997

 Dearest John:

 What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings: one for every finger.
You’re just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning
to get on my nerves.

             All my love,

Agnes

 

                   Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
                   Beaver Valley, Colorado

                   December 19, 1997

 
Dear John:

 When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese-a-laying on my front step.
So, you’re back to the birds again, huh?  Those geese are huge.  Where will I
ever keep them?  The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the
racket.  Please stop.

             Cordially,

                     Agnes

 

                   Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
                   Beaver Valley, Colorado

                   December 20, 1997

 
Dear John:

 What’s with you and these fucking birds?  7 swans a-swimming.  What kind of
God damned joke is this?  There’s bird shit all over the house, and they never stop
with the racket.  I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck.  It’s not funny.
So stop with those fucking birds.


            S
incerely,
                 Agnes

 

Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
                   Beaver Valley, Colorado

                   December 21, 1997

 
O.K. Buster:

 I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking?
It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their
God Damned cows.   There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smart ass.

             Agnes

 

                   Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
                   Beaver Valley, Colorado

                   December 22, 1997

 
Hey!  Shithead,

 What are you doing?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there’s 9 pipers playing.  And Christ
do they play.  They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday
morning.   The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those screeching
birds.  What am I going to do?  The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

             You’ll get yours,

                     Agnes

 

                   Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
                   Beaver Valley, Colorado

                   December 23, 1997

 
You Rotten Prick:

 Now there’s 10 ladies dancing.  I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies.  They’ve
been balling those pipers all night long.  Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got the
diarrhea.  My living room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned
I’m sicking the police on you.

             One who means it.

                     Agnes

 

                   Miss Agnes McHolstein
                   69 Cash Avenue
                   Beaver Valley, Colorado

                   December 24, 1997

 
Listen!  Fuckhead,

 What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies.  Some of those
broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through the maids and have been
committing sodomy with the cows.  All 23 of the birds are dead.  They’ve been
trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

            Your sworn enemy,

                     Agnes

 

Law Offices
                   Badger, Bender and Cajole
                   303 Knave Street
  
                    Chicago, Illinois

                   December 25, 1997

 
Dear Sir:

 This is acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, miss Agnes McHolstein.  The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention.  If you should attempt to reach
Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot
you on sight.  With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest.

             Cordially,

             Badger, Bender and Cajole

 

©CopyrightTypowritersDesign 2002/2003/2004

A selection of carols for your disfunctional friends:

SCHIZOPHRENIA:

Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:

I think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and
Trees and Fire Hydrants and..

PARANOID:

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:

You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat,
All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock.......
..... ....(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love gave to Me
(and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.